Soon after, we were driving in the car and Surrey started singing along with the music. In my sleep deprivation I hadn't noticed that for once she hadn't demanded the Little Mermaid soundtrack on loop and so we were listening to All Sons & Daughters, an acoustic/folk Christian group. And I heard that sweet little voice behind me sing along in her own pronunciation of the words: You are a Savior and you take brokenness aside and make it beautiful, beautiful. A communication from Jesus straight to me.
The whole chorus of the song goes like this:
I am a sinner if it's not one thing it's another
Caught up in words, tangled in lies
But You are a Savior and You take brokenness and make it beautiful, beautiful.
After Jeremiah told me the news, life was a mess. I was broken and our marriage was broken because the covenant we had made with each other before God had been broken. Insecurity, anger, fear, sadness. Tons of questions and tons of hurt. We were in the trenches and I wondered if or how it would ever mend. A thriving, enjoyable marriage felt like a fat chance, an impossibility. For awhile we were in survival mode. A good day for me was mustering up the energy to feed my kid three meals a day and get to the grocery store. Something secret had been made known and we were trying our best to live and parent together amidst the rawness of it all. 2013 started off worse than any other year and I imagined it might end even worse.
But God chose to take our brokenness aside and make it beautiful. Through much counseling, vulnerability, and facing hard things, much healing came. And it's deeper beauty than I would've expected. Because after being so wronged, the last person I thought would be put through a life-changing transformation was me. But in exposing my true self - questions, doubts, fears, passions - to the best therapist ever, to dear friends, and to myself, God renewed me. Our marriage was on the brink of ending, but it was just a symptom of some bigger, deeper issues that I probably never would have had the time and space to sort out otherwise. That is hardship to be thankful for and hardship not wasted. God was so near and doing so much that I was able to contribute to a marriage that shouldn't be.
God is transforming my story. He takes brokenness aside and makes it beautiful. 2013, my marriage, my self. Pregnancy and the two people we get to call ours.
But it's not only the big life things - it's the day-to-day things, too. The pediatrician told me last week that I'm expected to do my worst parenting of my oldest child during the first 100 days of the second's life. Movies, TV, you name it. Consider it done, doc. So freeing and so reassuring. Because morning after morning of PBS Kids and Christmas movies (yes, it's gotten that bad around here) I get sucked in to thinking Surrey is missing out, that I'm doing her wrong, and that other moms aren't this incompetent. I am a sinner if it's not one thing it's another. Caught up in words, tangled in lies.
But God redeems His people and He surely redeems my days. He doesn't leave these tiring, maddening mornings with little people as so. He takes them aside and makes them beautiful. Surrey sings His truth from her car seat and in that He reminds me of all He has done and all He has yet to do.
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| Thursday, September 4 |
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| Friday, September 5 |
(Please note: Surrey's most requested song from the Little Mermaid soundtrack is "Poor, Unfortunate Souls" sung by none other than Ursula, the villian. Jesus take the wheel. Repeat after me, broken to beautiful, broken to beautiful...)
Haha I love Surrey- and love you!
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