naming number two

You may not know that we chose our daughter's middle name using a deck of cards. We were waivering on names for far too long and a couple weeks prior to her birth we decided to settle it once and for all. Jeremiah's inner math passion rose to the surface and before I knew it we each were assigned odds or evens for our name of choice and after some made up rules we were looking to win best of five. I won. Bam. There was a witness, so it's legit. As for her first name, we really love the movie The Holiday and got the idea from part of the location of the movie - Surrey, England. Turns out Harry Potter was also born in Surrey? Who knows, I hate wizardry, but Jeremiah loves it. So there you have it - Surrey Gray. Names we liked that we thought were unique but not too crazy. Nothing ultra deep or meaningful, but perfect for her nonetheless.

That was then, this is now. Baby boy is being born into a drastically different marriage. When you go through something that almost - that in the world's eyes should - break up your marriage and your home, but God has chosen to give you a story of redemption, your perspective on life changes. Even your perspective on baby names.

One of the many grieving points for me post-news was the thought of having more kids. We were never settled on how many kids we'd want to have exactly, but we knew we wanted at least one more. But now what? Did we have any right to bring another life into this world? If we couldn't have a successful marriage, how could we be successful parents? How long would it take to heal, to be well enough to even consider another? Would Surrey ever get a chance to have a sibling - have we ruined her chances? Would we have to wait til she was like ten - would that be enough time? What would people think of us? Surely everyone would think it's a horrific idea.

Last fall (about nine months after receiving the news) I saw a counselor. I felt foolish even bringing the idea up for discussion to her. Did she think I was absolutely nuts for even considering a conversation about more kids? Would she be able to keep her therapist poker face in the presence of such crazy thinking? Fortunately for me she was Jesus incarnate and God used her to change my life in so many ways. She never flinched. She listened, she asked further questions, she gave me the space to think and feel and speak freely. I talked with her about how scary it could be. To be pregnant again knowing that last time I was pregnant there was major hidden damage going on. To have a newborn again knowing that last time I had a newborn I had a husband who wasn't 100% with me. But on the other hand, what a redemptive piece another baby's life could play in our story. That we could have a second chance at birth and life - one characterized by unity and joy and grace. How deeply special and significant that could be for our family.

And it's one of those things. One of those dang comparison things. A question of who I am pleasing and trusting and giving my life to. What's God telling me about this nutty, beautiful journey he has us on? What does God have for us personally in our marriage? Not what does everyone around us (those with the details of what happened and those who are totally clueless) have to say about it. Of course it is good and right to seek wise counsel and God for sure uses the voices and hearts of trusted people around us, but to seek only that instead of God himself can blur our vision.

Not coincidentally around that same time at a moms group I go to the speaker spoke about the redemptive story of Ruth and Boaz. That redemption came in an unexpected form and finally through a baby - an actual symbol of what the Lord had done. The heavens then parted above my head in Richmond, VA and the angelic choice voices began. The story, the counseling, and tons of other little reminders gave me reassurance in the midst of all the questioning. Our marriage and our family isn't punished forever. Who are we to withhold the grace of Jesus from ourselves or others?

A couple months prior I read Judah Smith's book Jesus Is ___. Also a life-changer. For the first time I really learned about grace and it truly renewed my soul. In the midst of hell on earth I didn't want to read books that made me feel more guilt or shame or books that gave me steps to have a holier marriage (steps that I'd inevitably fail to meet). I needed to hear about Jesus. Bare-boned saving faith. And in that book Judah says:

"Actually, self-inflicted punishment in the name of religion feels good, in a sick sort of way. You feel like you are paying for your sin. It's less embarrassing that way. You don't feel so in debt to grace. But it's futile and unnecessary. Why insist on paying for what Jesus already purchased? I made a conscious decision to rest in the grace of Jesus and to believe in his forgiveness. It wasn't "greasy grace." I wasn't denying my sin. I wasn't justifying ongoing sin in the name of grace. It was the truth. Biblical, theological, doctrinal truth. I was righteous. I was forgiven. My church and my family didn't need me to beat myself up, to refuse to let God use me, just because I didn't feel that I deserved it. They needed me to 'be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus' (2 Tim 2:1)."

If and when God let Jeremiah and I know that another baby is what he had for us, there was no reason to continue the self-righteous cycle of punishment for punishment's sake. Later in the fall, after many conversations, we decided to be open-handed with it (see also go off birth control). Shortly after, I found out I was pregnant - when I seriously thought it was physically impossible that it could have happened. TMI. No, I'm not saying I'm the second virgin Mary, but I am saying I believe in a God who has wisdom and power far beyond my own.

And here we are, less than three weeks away from bringing a baby boy into this family. We're of course stressed (remember, we're moving out of our cat rental less than a week beforehand; also, I may still be traumatized from newborn #1) but we are thrilled. And grateful. We are confident that this is another piece of God's redemption in a story once marred with a lot of sin and brokenness. 

Baby boy's gotta have a name. And call me crazy, but this time around I thought we should rise above the card games. Not because Surrey isn't a joy and a blessing and the best thing ever. She is. But our marriage and our family is defined differently now and we want to bear witness to that with this kid. For months I had been searching for cool-to-us names with godly meanings - total bust. I didn't want any in-your-face Bible names like Boaz or Ebenezer, even though those meanings were killer. So rise above the deck of cards we did. This time around what solidified our middle name choice was red lettering on the back of a shiny 18-wheeler on the interstate. Our children are so lucky to have such thoughtful parents. It said "Braddock" and nothing else. I told Jeremiah, maybe it's a sign, since before we knew Surrey was a girl we considered that name briefly. So I pulled up the baby name meaning on my phone: dweller by the broad oak. Well if that wasn't the stupidest meaning I had ever heard. Another failed name attempt. Until it hit me moments after - it, being the Holy Spirit I should come to find out. I followed the nudging and looked up Isaiah 61:1-3:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

End of story.