I'm not talking about finding the blessings in the mundane kind of an idea. I mean, I've come face to face with that concept several times, trying to amp myself up over my current situation - that being potty training a three year old (you may know my issues with body parts and language - I can't go there) and transitioning baby child out of his swaddle, and doing this aggravating detox because my wish for a miraculous skinny body every morning when I wake up just ain't coming true. Dishes and laundry and cleaning. Motherhood can be a real drag, am I right, but just find the joy, count your blessings, be thankful. These are all good goals and yes, I should do all of those things, but I'm talking about something different.
The overarching theme of my present life - and life for the past almost seven years - has been just stuck. Same old story. College friends call to catch up - oh what's that, yeah, my life is the same dumb thing. Chaos after chaos. Struggle after struggle. Blah. Still pleading with God, still questioning my purpose, still wondering if anything will ever be different. Will I ever not be the dramatic one in my friend groups? Will I ever be able to take a breath and say, for a season, my life is not falling apart around me?
Now, I'm very much in the beginning of this getting unstuck thing, but hey, why not just go ahead and virtually think out loud about what God might have for me. For so long I've focused on my circumstances being the reason for my stuckness. And granted, they are killing glimmers of hope left and right; however, it's just high time that's not end of story. I've got to believe change can come. I've got to trust God that change can come. When for years and years you've been struggling with hard things, or for years and years you've been a certain way or acted out of certain hurts - it's real tough to imagine life without such crud. I do not know life without feeling the worst about the way I look. I do not know life without constantly wondering what my niche is "career-wise" and how in the world I can make it happen. And I most definitely do not know life without worrying nearly every minute of the day about how I will pay my bills or have enough money for anything - I don't know life that is free and generous.
With prayers upon prayers seemingly losing steam on their way up to heaven, I've kind of forgotten that things can get better. I want them to be better, but I like 95% believe they won't. A ray of sunshine I am not. BUT GOOD NEWS. God is reminding me (again) that He is with me and He ALONE has the power to change me from the inside out, renewing my spirit, transforming my heart and mind. When prayers don't seem to get answered immediately, I go into crisis-mode and I troubleshoot from my own strength. I panic and worry and strive. As mentioned above, it's getting me nowhere. I don't trust that the Holy Spirit can do it. I don't trust God's urgency (or lack thereof). I don't trust that Jesus came so that I could live life abundantly.
Enough already. That negativity has got to go. And truly, that negativity is Satan getting the best of me, bullying me around, running be ragged.
I got these killer (my new fave adjective) books for Christmas. I asked for them, along with a billion other materialistic things that I want to make me fit in with other people. Not a coincidence that from my list of wants I got these top two books (The Daniel Plan we had and I just don't even want to talk about it because I want to eat whatever the heck I want, but I finally started reading it two days ago and it's whooping my butt and it's the bomb) and a BA white deer head from West Elm. Are you kidding me?! God's power will prevail over my humanness. These book titles aren't small or safe or easy. They are big and bold and calling me out of my stuck rut and into something better. God is calling me out of my stuck rut and into something better. He knows me and He knows that when I look around and think this can't be it, that it's not. It's time to take more responsibility and rely more on the Spirit so I can experience growth and life abundantly. Also, I got a fierce deer head.
The Holy Spirit can do mighty things and I'd be a fool to think God has forgotten me. I love how although I'm not the greatest, most consistent Bible reader in the world that God is gracious enough to speak to me hardcore when I do decide to pick it up. Every time I end up making a big bubble in my journal that's like ohmygoshheknowswhatineedandishere! Duh. For example, today I was all like eh I have some ideas of what to write about but maybe I just shouldn't and instead sit and mourn my circumstances because I just checked the mail and that phantom miracle check that will pay off all our debt didn't come. But instead I knew I needed to open up my Jesus Calling devotional. This is what it says:
I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life.
Ephesians 3:20-21; Romans 8:6; Isaiah 40:30-31; Revelation 5:13
Bam. We've got to take hold of this truth. Hoping this helps spur you on to trust God - because He's the real deal.
Love it, Bri.
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