anniversary reflections

This past Monday we celebrated our seventh anniversary. Lucky number seven. The seven year itch. Neither of these phrases is true of our marriage. Year four to five proved much more than an itch for us and Lord knows it's a whole lot more than luck getting us this far. On Monday, I thought about our wedding day and I thought about a song we had two dear friends sing during our ceremony. You Are the Same by the Bridge Band. It celebrates God's unchanging character despite our faltering discipleship. I remember picking it as a young 22 year old anticipating her wedding day, thinking of course it's primarily about God's love for us, but it kind of describes what marriage is like too. 

But oh, young self, it can never describe our marriage here on earth and you have no idea of the all too real picture you'll get of that.

Girlfriend, you are going to make a huge mistake. You're going to marry that man and you're going to so quickly and so unknowingly equate him with God. You will build up so many expectations in your heart and mind for him. He will meet all your needs and desires. He will happily provide for you. He will always be kind, respectful, available. He'll catch your drift and always be on the same page. He'll always think of you first and know you fully and deeply. Both of you will make mistakes but you'll always love each other - as the song says, when the things I do are different than the promises I've made, your love for me never changes. These are the (unrealistic) expectations you're living from.

Watch out. Before you know it, both of you are going to be half heartedly living out your vowels and your love is changing and you don't even realize it. Because guess what, you're human. You are sinful to the core and capable of much more evil and faults than you realize. Having kids will prove that to you if ever there were a doubt. You and him are both keeping score. You're getting disappointed and ashamed and uncertain. You're surprised by challenges and heart ugliness. Struggles are mounting, communication is lessening, prayer is nonexistent. 

And then one day he tells you that big, awful, life-altering news. You're not just surprised now - you're in disbelief. Because that man you equated with God just did something far from God-like. Your marriage couldn't sustain the routine that had been going on for too long. Little hurts and misses building and building, but assuming love would never change. A wrecked marriage would never be you, never you Jesus-loving Christians. But there you are face to face with that revealing reality: even your husband can't fulfill your deepest needs and longings. It was always so easy to say, but excruciatingly hard to come to terms with.

Young 22 year old self, that song should only be picked to worship God for His unchanging nature. For His deepest, fullest love even in your wavering faith and frequent sin. It's ok, you'll learn that later. You'll learn it the hard way, but I'm not sure there's any other way to learn it. After the horrible news, the shameful and hurtful time in your marriage, you will finally get it and know it and believe it. That truth will be what pulls you two out of the pit to higher ground. That truth is all you have to stand on and you'll finally realize that that's all you need to stand on. Release the shame. You tried and you're trying. God is not surprised and if you did this whole marriage thing perfectly His love still wouldn't be more than it is for you and your husband as you rework and rewire. 

You'll learn about grace for real and that, girlfriend, is so good. The hurt sucks, but the grace is the best thing ever. God will use your friends and family and strangers to be His real grace. And you'll be able to give grace to your husband because you get that Jesus has grace for all of us. It's an uphill battle though, and some days you wonder where you're going and what you're doing and why oh why is this your story. You'll wonder if the hard or mundane days in marriage are a picture of the whole thing. But you know Jesus' voice - you learned it well during those sad days - and he's telling you not to dare give up, and not to dare try to make it good by your own strength or power or will. 

The night before your seventh anniversary, your husband will give you a gift. You'll feel nervous because gift-giving isn't necessarily his specialty - or, receiving gifts isn't necessarily your speciality. Gifts can feel like missses, which can bring up doubts if you're not careful. But this night before your seventh anniversary, something different will happen. You will for the first time with this man feel fully known. He thought of you without your prompting. He encompassed so much of what you like and value in one pair of killer earrings. Don't for a second despair because it took seven years. Be so so glad  and thankful because this is a symbol of how your marriage has grown and matured and healed. You'll smile. God's grace in the form of gold leather. Seemingly slow timing that truly is the best timing. Jesus' voice again. You are fully known by God, and He knew you needed another reminder that He actively loves you, sees you, and never forgets you.

Also, you'll celebrate over a dinner of bread, pasta, and cheese - glory to God in the Highest!