I'm baaaack!
And I'm thirty!
I've longed to turn thirty for a decent chunk of time. You've probably heard me go on and on about it and quite frankly are glad I've joined the club so I'll finally quit talking about the anticipation. I hear that.
Being a twenty-something just didn't seem to fit me right. I was THE LAMEST twenty-something that has ever lived, I'm absolutely sure of it. Ever since my college roommate's brother asked if I was thirty when I was like a sophomore in college, I knew I was meant for something different. Apparently, something older.
Today as I mull over my time in my twenties I keep likening it to middle school. For some, middle school paved the way for popularity, fun, and rebellion. For maybe some others (like me), it did not. Day in and day out I strived to fit in, not quite fitting in one friend group, but not quite not fitting either. I wanted to be liked and have as much fun as everyone else, but the more effort I put into it, the more tension and confusion I felt between my real self and my ideal self.
Similarly, my twenties. Graduating and getting married and uprooting. Meeting people and plugging in and trying to fit. Having kids. Losing sleep and patience and sanity due to said kids. Dealing with a marriage bomb. Learning how to grieve, and heal, and grow. A lot of circumstances can give way to a lot of comparisons and a lot of unmet expectations.
That can be the nature of our twenties, I think. So much change in so little time. And if you're like me and (wrongly) base a lot of your emotion and confidence and belief in circumstances than you can feel like you're flailing. Or failing, actually. I feel kind of beat up from my twenties, from my circumstances. Until my grandfather called me at 7:30 this morning to wish me a happy birthday and tell me he'd already been through a war by age 30, I thought I had lived a lot of life in my twenties. Too much life. But then he brought up the war and I was humbled and given gracious perspective. And I also laughed because that's really funny when you think about it.
I'm praying - pleading, actually - that my thirties will feel different. I'm wiser now to know that they may not look different circumstantially. Jesus tells us we're going to have trouble and face all kinds of adversity and hard things. I'm buckling up. No, I'm not throwing in the towel and waving my white flag in negativity or resolving to dive head first into full-on motherdom (you know what I mean) - hence the nose ring and tattoo in preparation. I still want to be cool and edgy (hilarious) but not how everyone else is. I've always imagined my thirties as a time of confidence, a time to own who I am and what life looks like for me. Way back when, my counselor had prompted me to start thinking about what the Lord had for Jeremiah and me - not for us in relation to everyone else around us, but for just us. She encouraged and challenged me that that may look really different, but that would be the sweet spot. Similarly, I envision this new age as a journey to finally pursue what the Lord has for me. Less of what looks good on paper or what doesn't sound foolish or what I 'should' be doing and more of taking risks and following where I think He's leading even if it seems uncertain. Enough striving, I want to start thriving. Who else hates that those words rhyme and sound like I'm trying out a new catchphrase?? I do. Also, isn't that a cheesy thing from a movie - thirty and thriving? Well whatev, bring all of that on.
Yesterday I read in Shauna Niequist's Savor the idea of changing your life, of not waiting for someone else to rearrange it for you, of not driving a good idea into the ground when it's clear it isn't working, of paying close attention to what you want and need and making it happen. And from Job 36:16, He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.
For me that meant moving in WITH MY PARENTS for crying out loud to feel safe and empowered to change our trajectory. It means definitely no more babysitting but maybe having to work a job that's not my life's calling in order to pursue other things. It may mean writing here more often - shutting out the fear that it's worthless and pointless - in an effort to find out if this is a good fit for me or a baby step towards what God has for me and my family.
Unfortunately, I'm learning that a lot of that - for me - isn't going to come in a pretty packaged five year plan. Yet, anyway. Today and each day I can just be faithful to how the Spirit is leading. Often, I feel like a big loser because we moved and I have no clear vision for my life and we're still neck-deep in financial muck. In my twenties I was so embarrassed and felt like a total needy, failure. In my thirties I want to have confidence in myself and in God that I am here intentionally and that I am not covered in shame. In my thirties I want to stop wallowing that I'm not keeping up with everyone around me, and keep up with what God is telling me today. One day at a time.
Today's Jesus Calling said "...walk with Me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with Me, instead of trying to anticipate My plans for you. If you trust that My plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment. ...I set the pace in keeping with your needs and My purposes." Check out Jeremiah 29. Heard that.
If your thirties have sucked, please silence yourself in my presence today and let me step lightly in the rainy, cool day that this decade is full of hope and promise and abundance. Cheers!
